You don’t believe me?

Well just let me tell you. In the last few weeks, I have received many important phone calls; calls from some very important people. Let me assure you. These are breathlessly important people. I’m not only special. I’m honored. I count.

Why, it wasn’t two weeks ago that I received a call from Al Gore himself. Yep. And he called again yesterday. Sorry, Al, wasn’t here to take your call. But I like people who leave a message. Saves time. You’ve got the number. Just ring me any time. We’ll chat. You free for lunch? Let’s do lunch, Al.

In the interim — and let me just say that’s it’s hard not to blush, just now — I got calls from both Babs Boxer and The Di. No, not that one. She’s dead. No, I’m talking about her honor, the Senator; Dianne Feinstein. Impressed yet?

You haven’t heard anything. Jesus. I’m so pissed I missed this call, but while I was out for a few minutes walking the damn dogs just now? Yes. No, YES! No, I’m not kidding. Actually, I wasn’t surprised at all. Look: obviously something really big is brewing, and since I haven’t been able to connect with any of these others, they sent in the big gun. Yep; der Slickmeister himself — which I hasten to add is a moniker that I consider a term of endearment. I mean: clearly something’s up, and for some reason, I’ve been picked out to play a role, or to do my duty, or to give something back — and finally I’m getting the respect and attention I so deserve, y’know?

But they goofed up, too. Just after Bill’s message, I also got a call from Congresswoman Zoe. With all due respect, Miss Lofgren, I think this has proceeded just slightly beyond your pay grade, wouldn’t you say? No offense, but it’s not like I can just keep Bill waiting. Oh, but wait. Ahhhh; I didn’t think of that: he forgot to leave his number! You were calling to give it to me. That must be it.

Well, call me back. From the looks of it, there are issues at stake that can’t possibly wait another minute. Quickly, please. I mustn’t keep our former Commander-in-Chief waiting.

And, can someone please tell me what’s up?

Update: Hillary!, so glad you called just now. I hadn’t been able to get back to Bill just yet. See, this has been the best week in the stock market since, like, ah gosh, I don’t even remember. Maybe July; or August. Finally. No. No, certainly not. That’s not more important than the children. Certainly not. It’s like, well… you know. Yes. Yes. I’ll try to do better next time.