Latter Day Nonsense

So; I’m mildly interested in the fact that Mitt Romney — one of the however-many insolent, petulant, presumptuous megalomaniacs vying to rule your life come ’08 — is a Mormon. So was I! Yep, I was born with both the Mormon gene and the Lutheran gene. However, I guess the Mormon gene was dominant, so I ended up "a Mormon" and was even baptized right here in the Mormon Temple of Oakland. Not that I remember it, of course. Since I was "born a Mormon," I guess that free-will voluntary adoption of the faith was immaterial, and I was baptized as an infant.

Yea, yea; I know. That’s how things were done. No harm intended. Fine, but let’s just keep in mind, from here out, that people have minds for a reason. Let’s at least allow people to develop them independently before indoctrinating them into a religious discipline. …Or, is it…? Ah, yea; righhhhhht. If you do that…oh; well, you get the picture.

Anyway…supposedly, seven of 10 or some other "majority of Americans" (so cozy-cuddly cum-fortin’, innit?…that "majority" word?) are willing to vote for a Mormon. Good. For. Them.

Impressive, I must say. After all, everyone knows that Mormons believe in all sorts of crazy shit — and I aint just talking about the harem of young teenage girls considered the very birthright of some. No, I’m talking about the Joseph Smith thing. You know. There were those heavenly visitations by angels, and then, finally, Moroni, the son of the Nephite prophet Mormon came along with the Golden Plates, Urim and Thummim, and Laban’s sword, which, naturally, Nephi (the original dude) had used to kill Laban himself — which I think was around 600 B.C.

Now, is that all far fetched, or what? And I assure you: I didn’t even try. Do I really need to?

Ya gotta at least understand why some conventional Christian denominations might be put off by all of this nonsense. Pure fantasy. I mean, everyone knows that what really happened is that the archangel Gabriel appeared to Mary to reveal that she would give birth to the Son of God by means of parthenogenesis (no doing the nasty!). And, you know, he was God. And he was the Son of God. And he was a Ghost (albeit a Holy one). But only one, really. Three in one! Makes perfect sense, don’t ya see?

And of course, God — as all powerful being — had to send his son — er, himself — to live a sinless life (by his own definition), to be killed by those whom he was dying for, all so that he can forgive everyone. As should be perfectly logical to anyone, a being powerful enough to create sinful, flawed beings is powerless to overlook their flaws without himself being brutally tortured and killed by those same flawed beings in some 30-year-long process, only to be followed by (so far) two millenniums of religious ritual in recognition of how flawed we all are. Rather than have our (all powerful) creator just un-fuck us, we’ve got the go through the whole process and so forth (aren’t’ the "laws of nature" sumthin’?).

So; can you believe those Mormons? What do they think they’re tying to pull? Do they really think anyone’s dumb enough to believe any of that shit about Moroni?

Update: As Ryan has already pointed out, and as my dear mother lovingly wrote to inform me as well, turns out I wasn’t baptized in the Mormon Church at all. I was "blessed," by my great-grandfather, no less, whom I never knew, have heard nothing but wonders about, and whom I believe was a church elder, or something (but don’t quote me on that, ’cause I’m sayin’ I aint sure). See, I told you I didn’t remember. Typically, lying involves some sort of purposeful deception. Beyond that, I’ll leave it to Ryan to illuminate me as to the important distinction between being blessed and being baptized. I’m sure there are perfectly "logical reasons."

Something else I ought to hit on. Due to the nature of my personality, my kind-of crusade as concerns religion here, and my childhood experiences, regular readers could get the idea I had a rotten childhood, or that my family was less than fantastic. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my family, and I dismay that I punish them so with a lot of this, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I think they understand. If not, they’re welcome to let me have it this weekend when we’re all sitting around the campfire.

Richard Nikoley

I'm Richard Nikoley. Free The Animal began in 2003 and as of 2021, contains 5,000 posts. I blog what I wish...from health, diet, and food to travel and lifestyle; to politics, social antagonism, expat-living location and time independent—while you sleep—income. I celebrate the audacity and hubris to live by your own exclusive authority and take your own chances. Read More


  1. Kyle Bennett on March 15, 2007 at 16:05


    Let's assume you're right, and Rich was never even baptized. And further, let's assume he was blatantly and knowingly lying about it for some reason. OK?

    So now, tell me, what part of the article – outside of that one throw-off statement – has it's meaning changed because of it?

    Thanks for letting us know that you are entirely dependent on other people to do your thinking for you. If you weren't you wouldn't have to be so paranoid about making sure you are spoonfed only accurate second-hand knowledge.

  2. Ryan on March 15, 2007 at 15:32

    "I guess that free-will voluntary adoption of the faith was immaterial, and I was baptized as an infant."

    No, you weren't. Infants have never been baptized "mormons." Children are baptized no earlier than 8 years old. At this point, your post shows your utter lack of credibility.

    Thanks for exposing yourself as a liar towards the beginning, so I could avoid reading the rest.

  3. Someonewhoknows on March 15, 2007 at 23:35

    Actually, there are several lies within this venomous blog. Not only were you not baptized because of the "infant" comment, but you cannot get baptized in the Oakland Temple. You don't know jack about the religion. Looks like you need to do more research before you lie and pretend to be some "used-to-be-Mormon, but now I see the light" scenario. This tactic is so ancient. It's amazing because you actually think that you are going to convince some conservatives that you are one of us. Give me a break. You are dead obvious. You're "tolerant" liberal views come forth buddy.

  4. good point! on March 15, 2007 at 23:42

    Good Point!

    Can somebody explain why we can't say one bad thing about homosexuals, liberals, muslims, or any extremist freaks, but they can say any bad thing they want about Christians and traditional values? And somehow they are the "holier than thou" "tolerant" ones.

    And don't give me that crap about the harem thing. That's BS! I know plenty of Mormons, and theyre good people. At least they know what marriage means!

  5. Richard Nikoley on March 16, 2007 at 06:57

    "Someonewhoknows" and "good point:"

    Either the both of you are being obtuse, or you're both just plain stupid.

    In the context of the entire post, that I "was a Mormon" is completely immaterial. It's an aside and irrelevant to anything.

    The point of the post, for the benefit of you two Morons, is a false contrast of the absurdity of Mormonism with the "sensibility" of conventional Christianity. But I could have used any religious doctrines from any religion.

    Now, if that's still not clear enough, the point is that it's all absurd and ridiculous, and if you believe it, then you're simply not dealing with reality, but mind-created fantasy.

  6. mel on March 15, 2007 at 19:05

    Looks like Ryan's email alias is "dork". Figures.

    Somehow these people think that an 8 year-old child (whose parent(s) and everyone else a kid is required by human nature to trust for life and happiness) is significantly more prepared to make a decision about joining a cult than a baby.

    Just check the statistics for the number of children that have rejected Mormon baptism and I guaran-damn-tee you that it's not different beyond statistical error from what it would be if Mormons used the Catholic method. Free will? Right. But the Mormons will use the "not baptizing infants" argument to not only claim free will but as proof that the church is true. I mean, look at all those 8 yr/olds who "choose" to follow Jesus. An example to us all…for the power of the mindfuck.

    So Rich, you may not be a Mormon after all. You lucky bastard.

  7. Richard Nikoley on March 20, 2007 at 09:06


    No offense taken. I still think that belief that goes so far as to assert the physical or "spiritual" existence of some super-being is just irrational nonsense.

    That said, I concede that churches in general serve certain values for people, and so long that acceptance of fairy tales is not prerequisite or required, then I have much less problem with it.

    I just wish we'd come up with some more rational alternatives — which exist, by the way. They need to be better promoted.

  8. birdwoman on March 20, 2007 at 08:41

    From one who considers herself a middle-of-the-road Christian:

    I bring up my children in the church (Episcopal in this case) because I want them to be exposed to the tradition of my people. I had them baptized into the trinitarian church NOT to make them Christians (you're not one until you say you're one – sometime in your teen years) but to state my affirmation that I would try to teach them the golden rules: Honor God and Do Unto Others… Though I do not know that I believe much of christian doctrine, I believe that these "rules" are the basis of a good society.

    Also, I've noticed that a lot of the crazy fundamentalists that I know were not exposed to religion as small children and got caught up in it as teenagers. My kids will not have that excuse. If they choose to believe all of the doctrine and mythos of the Christian church, good for them. If they like Hinduism better, well, blessed be. I just want them to be nice to other people. I think that the prophet/god-son-ghost/rabble-rouser Jehua ben Joseph had it right there.

    just my opinion. Since you have open comments, I assume you want other opinions. No insult intended.


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