scratch-mark

Elevator Pitch

Sometime within the last month or so, I am suddenly getting the "wow, you've really lost weight!" accolades from virtually everyone I know, and even people I don't actually know, but who've seen me around — like waitresses in restaurants I frequent.

Everyone wants to know "the secret." What's the magic? Bea hates it when I get started, and has taken to warning people. And, I'm getting a bit tired of going over the whole story myself; because just like with politics, and the silly notion that humans ought to be free and not the living equivalent of Soylent Green, I know it's going in one ear and out another. Maybe I ought to charge $49.95 for "the secret" and be done with it. It might actually be profitable, where people wouldn't pay me a cent for my political views (lies, impossible promises and delusions are sweet, and always free).

While I work out the business plan on that, I'm playing around with a 30-second elevator pitch. It might go something like this:

Well. I was on this wonderfully healthily low-fat diet with plenty of vegetables, fruits and whole grains most of my life. As a kid, I developed an antihistamine deficiency, but luckily, was able to obtain supplements. As I hit 40, I began to have so much excess energy from my healthy low-fat diet of veggies, fruits, and whole grains that it had nowhere to go but to be stored as excess pounds. Then I developed both a levothyroxine and an omeprazole deficiency; but again, was able to obtain supplements. For reasons inexplicable (though I suspect the 3.5 mile walks every day), my gums began to rot and I had two surguries. In utter obese despair, I finally just gave up. I switched to an unhealthy, artery-clogging high-fat diet of big steaks and other meat, eggs & bacon, and otherwise plenty of fat. Little veggies or fruits; and no grains. Cured all my deficiencies and the gum disease, at least. I'll probably die soon, but at least I'll look pretty good.

Suggestions for sarcastic, condescending, contemptuous improvement, anyone?

Richard Nikoley

I'm Richard Nikoley. Free The Animal began in 2003 and as of 2021, contains 5,000 posts. I blog what I wish...from health, diet, and food to travel and lifestyle; to politics, social antagonism, expat-living location and time independent—while you sleep—income. I celebrate the audacity and hubris to live by your own exclusive authority and take your own chances. Read More

3 Comments

  1. willyd on July 9, 2008 at 17:37

    Hey, ill pay the 49.95 for the information my fat ass is getting nowhere even trying the primal blueprint thing by mark sisson.

  2. Justin Owings on July 9, 2008 at 18:59

    Everyone wants to know "the secret." What's the magic? Bea hates it when I get started, and has taken to warning people.

    I absolutely understand. My wife does the same thing over and over again. I don't mind telling people about it out of the hope they will try it out, but like you, most of it appears to just go in one ear and out the other.

    But a select few (siblings, mainly) are trying all of this out and seeing great results. Big surprise, right?

    Enjoyed sharing in the humor of it all. At least with diet talk, there's a fighting chance they'll give it a shot (unlike religion talk — or government talk — both are lumpable).

  3. Varangy on July 10, 2008 at 11:46

    I have been having very similar experiences. I am constantly being questioned (and even mocked) for my lack of fear of fat and my avoidance of carbohydrates.

    The overarching problem is this:

    The misinformation cascades of the lipid/cholesterol/CVD and low-fat hypotheses have been permanently embedded in everyday peoples' minds. After all, it makes 'perfect sense', you eat fat, you get fat.

    Except that you don't.

    The worst irony is when someone overweight has the temerity to comment on my diet. People in glass houses should not cast stones…..

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