Drunks trash McDonalds over lack of healthy options

Too hilarious to not just quote the whole thing outright. Just for some lafs. Thanks for sharing, Jesrad. Memo to the Onion: you’d better watch out. This is pretty damn good.

ANGRY Friday night vegetarians ran amok in a branch of McDonalds when it failed to offer adequate meat-free and vegan menu choices.

‘Spanish tomatoes can fuck off’

Police were called to the Wigan restaurant after an intoxicated health-conscious mob began smashing furniture and exposing their genitals.

Onlooker Nikki Hollis said: “The atmosphere was raucous but good, until they ran out of those little bags of carrot sticks.

“Things turned ugly then. There was only one bag of apple pieces left, and two thickset men, one with sick on his shirt, started fighting over it.

“The bag split and the slices of fresh apple went on the floor. Everyone went mental, throwing punches and kicking, trying to get to the fruit.”

She added: “They were chanting something like, ‘veggie boys, we are here, shag your women, eat your vegetables’.”

As he was being loaded into a police van, rioter Tom Logan said: “It’s fucking bollocks mate, we just wanted some fucking nutritious fresh produce, preferably fucking organic.

“This prick behind the counter, he’s like ‘we’ve got salads left’. I was like fuck off mate, they’re deceptively high in salt and fat, plus most of them come with grilled chicken and I don’t eat meat unless it’s locally sourced.


Logan’s vegan friend Nathan Muir said: “When you’re a vegan and you’ve skulled 18 pints of Stella, you want something fucking wholesome, like a five-bean salad from a fucking Soil Association-approved grower.

“And if you don’t get that, it’s going to fucking kick off.”

He added: “Get your tits out, get your tits out. Get your tits out for the vegans.”

Richard Nikoley

I'm Richard Nikoley. Free The Animal began in 2003 and as of 2021, contains 5,000 posts. I blog what I wish...from health, diet, and food to travel and lifestyle; to politics, social antagonism, expat-living location and time independent—while you sleep—income. I celebrate the audacity and hubris to live by your own exclusive authority and take your own chances. Read More


  1. Rip @ MIPWID on December 22, 2012 at 14:35

    That’s how shit goes down in Greater Manchester, where I’m from. Sadly, the modern vegetarian movement came from this very conurbation, from the Beefsteak Chapel in Salford (seriously).

  2. John Korfer on December 22, 2012 at 16:05

    Good lord, I’ve just nearly cried laughing at the cushion story!

    • Richard Nikoley on December 22, 2012 at 16:14

      These satirists are truly the ones with their hand on the pulse.

  3. Libby on December 22, 2012 at 19:30

    OMG…still laffing, at BOTH these articles!

  4. Paul Halliday on December 23, 2012 at 05:52

    Muhahhahaaa …

    Par for the course for any northern town on a Friday night. Hooliganism and thuggery with a moral cause, now that’s a novel twist on an ago-old pastime. The new “fusion”?

    • Bets on December 23, 2012 at 13:10

      Not novel, at least not in the U.S. Anyone using animals for research knows it may well cost them their life.

      • Paul Halliday on December 23, 2012 at 13:50

        Gah! We’re just used to mindless hooliganism and thuggery … at least this (albeit satirical) episode was for a cause. Operation Latte Thunder “for the cause” really could be a laugh 🙂

  5. Galina L. on December 24, 2012 at 07:12

    I have a lot of prejudgement toward vegans. I understand they were just drunk, but they could do the same things as LCarbers do – request their style burger (for me it would be burger served without buns wrapped in salad leaves, for them – buns with veggies and mayo inside, minus burger itself) .

  6. Kelly Mahoney on December 30, 2012 at 09:06

    I feel like wasting a minute here, so allow me to comment on this satire:

    First, to Galina L. mayonnaise is not vegan unless made without egg, probably not an option at McDs.

    Second, most vegans that I know don’t drink, they are health conscious.

    Third, most vegans that I know would prefer a local grocer for fruit over McDs.

    Fourth, sharing this story about a few non-representative vegetarians and vegans, although the guy preferring locally sourced chicken is neither, is like associating neo-nazism with low carb paleo primal because Moore chose to associate with David Duke. Oh, and Davis and McGuff. You are going to find some ignorant people in every group.

    Finally, I am glad to see that this was one of your least popular posts as it only garnered 8 comments as of this comment posting.

    • Richard Nikoley on December 30, 2012 at 09:12

      “Finally, I am glad to see that this was one of your least popular posts as it only garnered 8 comments as of this comment posting.”

      That’s because everyone recognized it as a satirical piece, not real. It was intended only for a laf or two.

      • Joshua on December 30, 2012 at 10:36

        I’m not sure Kelly is smart enough to realize that satire means fiction, made-up, totally fabricated.

  7. Kelly Mahoney on December 30, 2012 at 19:20

    Duh! I’m so blond. I get it now. A drunk vegan walks into a McDs and demands locally sourced chicken on their salad. Irony on so many levels. LOL!

  8. Toss Jury Summonses in the Trash; Never, Ever Sign for Certified Mail | Bydio on February 4, 2015 at 19:24

    […] Drunks trash McDonalds over lack of healthy options […]

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