Self Experimentation: How to Trump Being Put on the Defensive

It’s probably rare for most reasonably competent people to find themselves defending their actual work and consequent results—which is totally valid if you’re really good; morally righteous if you suck. Instead, those close to us often find a need to put us on the defensive by asking us to rather meticulously account for ancillary things, such as time management over the day’s time, rote tasks, etc.

“What did you do today?”

It’s usually innocent but, depending upon your personal situation, can be loaded. For instance: if you’re employed full-time, that could simply mean an inquisitive and innocent “tell me about your day.” But if you’re not, you may be in some sort of business startup, working various entrepreneurial endeavors where payoff is not even obvious to yourself—much less to those close to you…and yet, you persist for the love, passion, allure, and prospect of it, which only you truly halfway—but almost never fully—understand.

Or, you may be a total lazy derelict…in which case, the following advice does not apply and won’t work: except to make you look even more depraved.

…Via self experimentation, I have determined the optimal, most efficient means of answering the question when asked…when I’m too busy free-range contemplating, concrete thinking, or even actually working on something.

With an “oh, well,” somber, resigned expression you look up from what you’re doing:

“Oh, I jerked off to gay porn on the Internet all day.”

…Upon utterance, you immediately look back down at what you were doing and resume it in earnest.

Trust me: it works and has legs.

…Beatrice laughs, now.

Richard Nikoley

I'm Richard Nikoley. Free The Animal began in 2003 and as of 2021, contains 5,000 posts. I blog what I wish...from health, diet, and food to travel and lifestyle; to politics, social antagonism, expat-living location and time independent—while you sleep—income. I celebrate the audacity and hubris to live by your own exclusive authority and take your own chances. Read More


  1. marie on May 11, 2013 at 21:35

    Ah yes, I do like Elongated dimensions…..even proscribed by a ‘prolate spheroid’ field, er, gridiron – très américain! 😀 😀
    So here is some (totally PG13, I promise) football humor – by a great american :

  2. Eddie Mitchell on May 11, 2013 at 15:00

    Richard you’re a headbanger, my kind of headbanger. Never a dull moment on this blog. I luv it !

  3. Cody on May 11, 2013 at 15:47

    First misogyny and then this?!? Clearly you are anti LGBT. Clearly. You evil white devil…

  4. Eddie Mitchell on May 11, 2013 at 15:53

    Could this be Richards theme tune ? Kiss My Arse !

  5. Richard Nikoley on May 11, 2013 at 16:08

    Holy shit Eddie that is seriously the very best thing I’ve seen since Jeff Bliss went off.

    Here’s to just going off on shit, eh?

  6. marie on May 11, 2013 at 16:30

    Eddie! I’m crying with laughter here, it’s perfect 🙂

  7. Eddie Mitchell on May 11, 2013 at 16:37

    I just checked out the Jeff Bliss video stunning. Give me a man or woman with passion, the rest can fuck off, the world is going down the tubes because people sit back and say nothing, and they think that is a life. They make me puke !

  8. Richard Nikoley on May 11, 2013 at 16:42


    Didn’t you get the memo? Just smile. Be happy.

  9. Richard Nikoley on May 11, 2013 at 16:44

    Marie, there’s a derivative for you:

    “Oh, ‘little circles’ to Castle Anthrax all day”

  10. Eddie Mitchell on May 11, 2013 at 16:45

    Yeah OK It’s almost 1 am here, I’m turning in, good night folks.

  11. Richard Nikoley on May 11, 2013 at 16:50

    “Yeah OK It’s almost 1 am here, I’m turning in, good night folks.”

    Pussy. I went to 2 am last night. 🙂

  12. marie on May 11, 2013 at 17:39

    Richard, ahaha. Your calculus is sublimely elliptical, as always chéri 😀

  13. Richard Nikoley on May 11, 2013 at 20:29

    Damn. I was banking prolateral spheroidical, given the dimensions of my humor.

  14. Nigel Kinbrum on May 12, 2013 at 00:09

    I went to bed at gone 3am (ain’t that right, marie 😉 ), so NER to you pussies!

  15. marie on May 12, 2013 at 00:44

    ‘Tis true (conscientious emailer that he is) and more’s the marvel, he’s awake already….must be all that vitamin D3, eh?

    Of course, you gentlemen may note that it is 3:44am on the east coast for this lady….bonne nuit, mes enfants 😉

  16. Richard Nikoley on May 12, 2013 at 02:09

    What a master. Hadn’t seen that in a while.

  17. Nigel Kinbrum on May 12, 2013 at 02:55

    Ever since my cortisol dropped like a stone (after mum’s funeral), my brain has become turbo-charged. I’ve also had the biggest “whoosh” ever.

  18. Bill Strahan on May 13, 2013 at 07:05

    LOL. Brings back memories. I remember being in the starting phase of a company, 200k in debt with fingers crossed, and being asked that question. Got so tired of responses when I gave an actual answer, that I went about the same direction you did. “I’m a pornographer.”

    And I’d have great conversations. “No, not actor, I produce the films. Great stuff.”

    Later that got boring and it became “I hunt whales.” I’d be totally serious and tell them to keep it to themselves, because it wasn’t 100% legal. 🙂 Again, great conversations.

    It took me years to finally create an accurate answer. “I’m a disruptive innovator.”

    I hate “what do you do?” They mean “…for a living” but don’t put that part on there. Hate it. I occasionally just say “Very little of what I don’t want to.”

    Richard, you and I have so many memes in common. You’re like my older, atheist side. 😉

  19. Eddie Mitchell on May 13, 2013 at 10:37

    “Brings back memories. I remember being in the starting phase of a company, 200k in debt with fingers crossed”

    That’s when you really come alive ! Out on a limb and you have to have real faith in your own judgement, living on the edge, it’s the only I time a wake up ! Take it to the limits folks, what have you got to lose ? If you have your health and prepared to work hard, you’re never gonna go under.

  20. Weekly Roundup #65 on May 16, 2013 at 08:05

    […] one is for the laughs. Richard Nikoley, arguably one of the most prolific self-experimenter who is also at the same time a very prolific blogger, has come up with the results […]

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