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Photographic Evidence: Bird-Brained Birds Are Smarter Than Vegans

A few weeks back there was a sprinkler problem. It was all about vegan vegetation, in jeopardy of browning.

The low-IQ, dumb, browned-skinned Mexican gardeners come every Thursday to tend to my vegan bounty. But they aren’t vegans. And while they may certainly be undocumented—PC speak for illegal—I’m at a loss to understand why me or my browning lawn should care about that. I told the Chief Illegal, “It’s probably a broken wire, since the sprinkler station can be activated manually, and all other stations work fine when activated manually from the timer.”

That dumb, brown-skinned wetback Mexican somehow knew. He nodded; went to his truck for a Power Meter—likely assembled from discarded San Diego tires and bubble gum from under the tables in Tijuana bars—to measure for resistance in ohms, or absence thereof (I’m sure every white person on earth knows all about that, given their relative high IQs—so I won’t take the time to explain it; IQ is everything). Upon his confirming my suspicions…by means of chicken bones tossed into a bowl and dancing around naked in my backyard (embarrassing), he got dressed, went back to the truck for wire, a ladder, tools and supplies—like “twist caps” (I’m sure you all know what I mean, to a man & white high-IQ woman). He had it fixed in a jiffy.

Thank Quetzalcoatl.

He also reprogrammed the digital controller (divine guidance…since his dark skin color has surely caused him to be incapable of such things as rudimentary ROM programming—and I’m sure all you whities know all about ROM programing, so I won’t explicate).

He changed the sprinkler start timing, from 1am, to 7am—without telling me. I’m sure 7am has some cosmic, mystic significance, but Google has been balls in terms of figuring it out! …Probably some ignorant superstition not even documented enough to be picked up by our new White God Google. If so, I’m sure it has roots in the totally idiotic cosmological fantasies of the Inca and Aztec civilizations. We can surely rest assured it’s not rooted in the valid cosmology represented by white, European Catholicism—colonial cultivators of language and culture worldwide—or Christianity in general…or anything you might have seen in late night infomercials.

I was just about to change the sprinkler timing back to 1am, when I noticed something.

Bird with Worm
Early Bird with the Worm(s)

That pic’s highly cropped, because our daily deal—Me and, Mrs. J…uh, Robin—is that I don’t get too close to her. She keeps catching the dozen or so earthworms I see her catch every single morning from about 10am to noon—with astounding jab-to-ground precision, eating them to later regurgitate them for cat food, I assume. After that, I presume she’s off hunkered down for the hottest part of the day before she comes back for some late afternoon and evening gathering. After all, she does have a bird brain the size of a filbert nut.

Oh, shit! I just realized that Ive gotten highly digressive over many paragraphs and even a pic! This post is about birds & vegans, and I’ve only just got started. It was certainly not to be about dumbass Mexican illegals, or any dumb people suffering the dumb disease of dark skin!

But oh, wait. Isn’t it really about normal birds who happen to be smarter than vegans? …Isn’t it just that the dumbass brown-skinned Mexicans got my sprinkler system working and modified, mystically bringing forth this whole mystical scenario—like perhaps a shit smear that looks of an immaculate conception apparition, of an unmarried little Jewess mixen who got feisty—then self conscious, masterminding Planet Earth’s biggest coverup of all time in her Jewish shame?

I’m so confused!

In truth, I have zero idea whether any of these quirky references or totally fucked up juxtapositions resonate with anyone. It’s merely that thinking of totally off the wall shit makes me laugh, and when I think of that which makes me laugh, I get motivated to write it down. And guess what? I have an App for that!

Welcome to my app.

…I do wonder, on a slightly more serious tack: Doesn’t Mrs. Robin know that she’s the one animal on earth perfectly adapted to heartheathywholegrains & seeds? I’ve no doubt she knows this, given birds have to eat upwards of body weight in food every day. Then, give ‘er a nest of wiggling, chirping cat food to raise, and you end up upping the ante in daily requirements. I’m sure vegans know all about all this, incidentally. Most are white….High IQs… That so many have come up on charges worldwide for their inability to properly nourish just one single human offspring, things are certainly looking up for the prominence of birds who manage an entire nest…so long as the cats don’t come and cuddle up, in between eating their salads.

OK, ok, let’s just suppose that birds are vegan at heart. Really. They just really want to scratch around for grains & seeds. They loath themselves when they just can’t help themselves…and sneak into my backyard in the early hours over temptation…desires of the bird-flesh, engineered by dumb and evil illegal Mexicans changing sprinkler watering timer shit.

…It’s as scandalous as a B-12 deficient vegan sneaking a couple of raw oysters per week, then telling everyone else who feels like shit that they just aren’t doing it right.

A little secret. …A bird told me: They’re worried about B12, too. That’s why they eat worms. “No CNS,” she chirped…wait! She tweeted that.

Man is the only animal that can sink below his nature — Ayn Rand

I’ve always been a bit reluctant to use that quote, that I first read 20 years ago…even though my blogging is all about animal nature, especially including humans. I’ve found the quote to be always used by statists (fans of Rand) who think their form of statism is exemplary, while others sink below their pro- and prescriptions of how they want everyone else to conduct their lives. It’s always, however, merely another form of statism. Rand made me an anti-statist within weeks of reading her in spite of her own ignorance and intellectual dishonesty in the matter, which I recognized quickly.

Why else might I shy away from employing that quote? Because of Francis Bacon, whom Aynstein actually quoted in this, quite a few times:

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed — Francis Bacon

I’ll only ever quote them together.

Aynstein never got fully integrated, but I’ve always given her a pass for that. She hated libertarians and anarchists, but basically made me one in spite of herself, and it happend very quickly. I simply looked to the logic, principles and completely honest integration of her writings. Her personality and celebrity was but a mere curiosity. I wonder if she’d have wished to be worshiped and revered unquestioningly as she is by so many, today.

I’d love to do as well over the next decades of writing but won’t. The world won’t change enough in my lifetime. You still have to court intellectuals, and all I want to do is speak to plain smart people.

…Like people who fix your sprinklers and bring birds, to illustrate that vegans can’t even muster the essential animal intelligence of a tiny animal with a brain the size of a filbert nut.

And you get to write a whole entire blog post about just that.

Disclaimers:

  1. My Mexican wife approved this post.
  2. I’m white.
  3. No animals or vegans were harmed in the drafting of this post.

Richard Nikoley

I'm Richard Nikoley. Free The Animal began in 2003 and as of 2021, contains 5,000 posts. I blog what I wish...from health, diet, and food to travel and lifestyle; to politics, social antagonism, expat-living location and time independent—while you sleep—income. I celebrate the audacity and hubris to live by your own exclusive authority and take your own chances. Read More

33 Comments

  1. […] The Animal / Posted on: June 14, 2013Free The Animal – A few weeks back there was a sprinkler problem. It was all about […]

  2. Ingrid on June 14, 2013 at 20:26

    Cannot unsubscribe fast enough.

  3. marie on June 14, 2013 at 23:02

    Richard,
    “Welcome to my app.” – priceless!
    Do the quirky more often, pretty please?

    As a thankful guest, par bonne étiquette, a (rockin robin) gift for the host :
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4VCUbL7jsc

    Of course, note the darker-than-mexican, dumber-than-dumb artists, at a young age too 😉

  4. Carole AKA CarbsaneR on June 15, 2013 at 03:15

    I loved this post, Richard!

    Bye, Ingrid!

  5. Sean on June 15, 2013 at 04:08

    That dumb, brown-skinned wetback Mexican somehow knew. He nodded; went to his truck for a Power Meter—likely assembled from discarded San Diego tires and bubble gum from under the tables in Tijuana bars—to measure for resistance in ohms, or absence thereof (I’m sure every white person on earth knows all about that, given their relative high IQs—so I won’t take the time to explain it; IQ is everything).

    How’s that strawman doing? Burning strong enough for ya?

    He probably went to fetch a multimeter, something that typically measures current, resistance and voltage. Power is a product of voltage and current (P=VI), but is not typically measured directly. For example, the classic electomechanical power meter for a house measures current and voltage separately, then combines them in a rather clever manner to produce a mechanical force that turns the counting gear.

    He also reprogrammed the digital controller (divine guidance…since his dark skin color has surely caused him to be incapable of such things as rudimentary ROM programming—and I’m sure all you whities know all about ROM programing, so I won’t explicate).

    Burn, strawman, burn!

    Actually, you can’t reprogram ROM since ROM is an abbreviation for read only memory, although this is only in the strictest sense (that I’m used to, hey, I graduated EE in 1992). To quote Wikipedia: ” Data stored in ROM cannot be modified, or can be modified only slowly or with difficulty, so it is mainly used to distribute firmware (software that is very closely tied to specific hardware, and unlikely to need frequent updates).”

    What he did might have been more akin to flashing the BIOS on a computer’s bootstrap flash memory chip. I dunno, or maybe just resetting it, but I doubt he recoded the controller’s OS.

  6. Nigel Kinbrum on June 15, 2013 at 04:09

    Richard. You’ve just come across (oo-er!) my stash of illegal street drugs, ain’t’cha? 😉 😀

    In case you’re reading this, Mitchell:- The above sentence is irony. Look up “irony” on en.wiktionary.org . Don’t use urbandictionary.com (although the top definition for irony is actually pretty good). Also, look up “metaphor”, “metaphorically” and “Gaylord” on en.wiktionary.org .
    Your latest post about me has been backed-up and may be used in evidence against you, in court. Thank you!

    P.S. I possess a digital multimeter and I have programmed an EPROM.

  7. Nigel Kinbrum on June 15, 2013 at 04:11

    And a big “thank you” to Sean, for explaining the Engineering shit.

  8. Namu on June 15, 2013 at 04:15

    “Thank Quetzalcoatl.”

    By that line I had to stop reading to catch my breath back. Thanks for starting my day with uncontrollable laughter, Richard 😀

    (The 7am timing was likely a factory default that came with the ROM flashing.)

  9. tt on June 15, 2013 at 04:36

    +1 Sean.

  10. Peggy Emch on June 15, 2013 at 06:01

    That was a fantastic little piece of writing. Thank you for starting my day with a laugh, an eye roll, and a sigh.

  11. Peggy Emch on June 15, 2013 at 06:14

    I’m still trying to figure out if Ingrid was serious… By leaving a comment, she greatly postponed her unsubscribe action, making her comment untrue. So maybe she was stating the opposite for effect, you know. Modeling after Richard’s own flow in the post.

    Additionally, of all the posts to unsubscribe to she chose this one? This was one of his least offensive and most aesthetic posts! Unless she is the vegan that eats the oysters on Sundays, or she is the racist suburban who thinks she’s better than her gardener. So her comment proves she’s either very clever or a lost soul.

    I’m still not sure if she was serious.

  12. Greg Swann on June 15, 2013 at 06:24

    > I wonder if she’d have wished to be worshiped and revered unquestioningly as she is by so many, today.

    Rand hated Shakespeare, but he would have found rich fare in her pathetic need for adulation. I expect this is the reason why she couldn’t pull the trigger on the anarchism that is so obviously implied by her political premises: She didn’t want to be declared a kook by the likes of William Buckley. Certainly, organized Objectivism has been a second-hander’s movement ever since those days — which is sad, considering what it might have become.

  13. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 06:37

    Ingrid:

    Since I don’t know which parts you’re referring to, let me cover all the bases I can think of:

    1. This post was approved by my Mexican wife.
    2. This post was approved by me, a white guy, and Sean shows just how smart they can be.
    3. No animals or vegans were harmed in the crafting of this post.

    Cover it?

  14. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 06:50

    Sean

    Yea, yea. Alll my electricians mates on REEVES just called ’em power meters so I do to. Some of them were white, too. My journeyman electrician friend Robert is Korean. not sure what he calls his. They sure are handy though for sorting out whether a motor or motor-generator rotor windings are toast, or the problem is elsewhere. Or, of course, to detect a break in a circuit somewhere that should be closed.

    The sprinkler system is on an electronic with battery backup gadget that uses embedded software that is likely ROM, but with a RAM sort of module for “reprogramming” or “modifying” that stays in place so long as power or battery levels remain.

    There, all precisioned. Just for you. 🙂

  15. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 06:52

    Oh, Sean, the birds in my backyard aren’t afraid of straw men, either. Perhaps because they’re robins, doves and a few other kind, but no crows. 😉

  16. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 07:08

    Good point, Greg.

    I hadn’t been thinking of The Collective when I wrote that.

  17. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 07:12

    Peggy

    Thanks. I owe you a book review and will pay up very soon.

  18. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 07:18

    Ah, EPROM – eraserable programmable read only memory! I think that’s what I was fishing for, Nigel. Thanks. Long time since I saw that.

  19. Mart on June 15, 2013 at 09:12

    Still waiting on your resistant starch report. I thought you said a week or so back that you were all over it. Thank you!

  20. Nigel Kinbrum on June 15, 2013 at 10:02

    Your digital controller probably has an EEPROM (Electrically-Eraseable Programmable Read-Only Memory) or Flash Memory. EPROMS are erased by unplugging the chip, peeling off its light-proof sticker and putting it in a UV light-box for a few minutes.

  21. tatertot on June 15, 2013 at 10:25

    That dumb, brown-skinned wetback Mexican somehow knew. He nodded; went to his truck for a Power Meter—likely assembled from discarded San Diego tires and bubble gum from under the tables in Tijuana bars—to measure for resistance in ohms

    There’s the problem! Us white people know you measure resistance in ‘grams per day’, not ‘ohms’!

  22. tt on June 15, 2013 at 16:04

    Did you send a copy of this to the guy who fixed your sprinkler?

    I wouldn’t agree with anyone referring to me as “dumb, brown-skinned wetback” – joke or otherwise…

  23. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 20:25

    tt

    Laf. Go get yourself a tiny little bit of a life, if you can manage to manage it.

  24. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 20:37

    Hey tt

    Make you a deal. You pay to get the post translated to pristine, idiomatic Spanish, and once I use my own resources to verify its quality, I’ll print it out and hand it to him.

    I’m quite certain you would not want him to mistake praise for insult.

  25. Richard Nikoley on June 15, 2013 at 20:38

    ….because, like, you care about my gardener SO MUCH.

    I feel you,

  26. Sean on June 16, 2013 at 02:53

    Yea, yea. Alll my electricians mates on REEVES just called ‘em power meters so I do to. Some of them were white, too.

    I hear you, every trade has its lingo. When I worked drywall, the ‘joint compound’ was always referred to as drywall mud. Call it joint compound onsite and you’d get some awful funny looks, maybe someone would ask if you were a fag or something. Go into a Home Depot and ask where the drywall mud was and I’d usually get some officious little prick who’d never touched a knife and pan say in a pedantic tone, “You mean the drywall joint compound?”

    At university it’s always a multimeter, though. Not that I used one all that much. It was almost all theoretical for me, plus I specialized in emag–high frequency, like microwave circuit–where Kirchhoff’s ‘law’ “Fall apart like Soviet Union” as my Chinese teacher once put it. Plus I never actually worked as an engineer, so Nigel is the real EE around these parts.

    BTW, when I was a kid, guy down the street was going to electronics school, built a real flight simulator (instrument only, this was the late 70s). It was controlled by a computer (Z-80?) programmed in hex assembly code, I believe. And yes the guy was a brown-skinned person with a Spanish name, but not a wetback. Growing up in NM it wasn’t unusual for me to be the minority.

  27. tt on June 16, 2013 at 03:47

    @Rich. You’re right of course. I don’t care that much about your gardner. I do however care about the quality of humor I read on your blog. You, as most Americans, do not do sarcasm well. Try some situational humor or irony instead. Americans tend to be comparatively better at those forms of humor.

  28. tt on June 16, 2013 at 03:57

    @Rich. Sarah Silverman is ok at sarcasm. Rosanne Barr is not.

  29. Richard Nikoley on June 16, 2013 at 06:30

    @Sean

    Yep, or just plain mud. Context is everything. And if it was called “compound,” it was “taping compound” not joint. Although, using the word joint in relation to compounds, on a construction site could make for some decent banter….

    Speaking of joints, we had a computer nerd at OSU who grew the best buds in his closet with lotsa light. He also built a light & motion sensor and since there was nothing like that around at the time, at least for home brew applications, he had to code his own driver, then a control interface on his computer, basically all from 1s & os on up.

    @tt, we’re cool.

  30. Nigel Kinbrum on June 16, 2013 at 09:22

    I didn’t take the above post as sarcastic humour. I took it as “off the (dry)wall” humour.

    Sarcasm can be ironic or non-ironic. This confused the shit out of me in the misogyny thread, as I took the sarcasm tag as non-ironic when it was meant ironically. :-/ Irony always means saying/writing the exact opposite of what you mean, so it’s a safer tag to use.

    Back to EE: I tried reading the manual for the Intel 8080 8-bit microprocessor. I got to Chapter 4 and my eyes glazed over. I became an RF Engineer instead and left the microprocessor stuff to people who understood ALUs, Shift Registers, Stacks, Pointers, Buses etc.

  31. Sean on June 16, 2013 at 14:28

    I tried reading the manual for the Intel 8080 8-bit microprocessor. I got to Chapter 4 and my eyes glazed over. I became an RF Engineer instead and left the microprocessor stuff to people who understood ALUs, Shift Registers, Stacks, Pointers, Buses etc.

    It might have been an odd coincidence, but when I was in college, most of the the VLSI (large chip design) grad students were into powerlifting, which set them apart from the average EE student. I went into emag because I really wanted to be a physicist but didn’t think a physics degree was very marketable below PhD, and I couldn’t see being sequestered that long. Turns out it didn’t really matter because I never got a job as a EE anyway and never really got a job (other than an early teaching gig) based on my degree. Not that anyone checked, leastways.

    I think a lot of that programming stuff can be picked up by osmosis. My father was a computer engineer from the sixties and I messed around with a fair amount of programming at a young age so I didn’t really have a problem with a lot of the core concepts. But I never really liked programming, or working on computer networks, even if I was pretty good at it, I think because you are essentially messing with someone’s very flawed construct, an OS, programming language, network protocol, etc. Designing a microwave filter or some such thing means that your engineering parameters are basically reality, as understood by modern physics. Programming or troubleshooting computer networks is stepping inside a framework someone else created, rather than touching on the platonic ideals that I think physics and mathematics strive for.

    These days, programming languages are much, much less cumbersome than they were when I learned FORTRAN and finally some C, and programming can have its own esoteric beauty, so who am I to judge. But I will judge anyway and say that I prefer the more classical type of problem rather than the grinding drudgery that is the lion’s share of programming or seriously dealing with computers in general.

  32. Nigel Kinbrum on June 16, 2013 at 17:16

    That takes me back. At UCL, there was an IBM 360. I punched loads of cards and ran batch jobs in FORTRAN V with the WATFIV compiler. I collected long lengths of printout. In 1977, Schottky TTL was available, so I used it in my final year project. Motorola McMos (CMOS) was in its infancy and had no static protection, so I didn’t use it.

    I only took an interest in computers, when Racal got a PC with a 286 + 287 co-pro for running RF CAD in 1984-ish. The bloke who was supposed to show me how to use it left, so I took a pile of MS-DOS manuals home to read over Christmas. PCs could run Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. Yay!

  33. Paul C on June 17, 2013 at 12:27

    This one was hard to skim, and I don’t like reading things twice. But I made the effort and got it the 2nd time, thanks to regular top-to-bottom, left-to-right reading and my high IQ. I think you must have smoked some joint compound beforehand.

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