Since my last post about my personal troubles, here and on Patreon, I’ve had quite a warm reception via a number of means. Here, on Patreon, on Facebook, and via lengthy emails were folks divulge personal information from their own experiences in an effort to say: you’ll get through it.
One I received this morning was a bit different. While he’s had his troubles, he wanted to give me his take on what’s going on with my pain and anguish—that gnawing voice that says“call it all off, beg forgiveness, settle…”
At first, I thought it was so special that I would just put it somewhere to refer to in my personal times of need, and then within seconds of thinking that, I realized that such a thing would be just too selfish of me, keeping it to myself like that.
Marc is a long time reader of this blog and my gosh, it must be about 7 years ago that he dispatched cans of whole cod livers to me. I enjoyed them so much (poor man’s foie gras) I’ve been buying canned whole cod livers on Amazon and have ’em in my pantry at all times since.
Here’s what he took the time to write to me:
Hi old friend,
Saw your post . – couple of things-
1. I have a sneaky suspicion you’ve been going through an “un-weaving” with Bea for 2 years now. And it’s now done.
2. The pain is real and NOT real. Whats real pain is the “cell memory” that’s taking place . This is no different than a soldier getting a leg amputated and screaming days later that their leg hurts. The cells do not forget for a while … As such your very cells cry out for connection and anchor points that are now gone. This process takes a lot more time to dissolve and dissipate than you might realize .
3. The other pain is BS pain and you must get it out of your “head.” I believe that although hard at times you will be fine with this as you are strong and focused when you want to be .
4. You’re a truth seeker my friend… not an easy path but I urge you to engage in extreme gratitude with Bea as I believe she’s an integral part of your growth. You most likely wouldn’t be where you are today without her.
I believe that transformation and change are two VERY different things. Most folk want to “change” but you my man have always wanted to “transform” and when we say “transform” we mean nothing from the past remains … that’s transformation not change and that is necessary when appropriate and as such NATURAL.
I’ve been through some crap in my life when it comes to marriage and family and my only advice is- be grateful, respectful and follow your desires and dreams. So many stop dreaming at our age ..dont you fucking do it 🙂
Was just thinking about you and wanted to share. You’ve taught me so fudging much over the last decade . … I’m grateful !
Hang tough my friend … but not too tough 🙂
Marc.
I can’t keep it just to myself, because maybe anyone out there is facing really tough shit and it applies beyond marriage relationships to it’s like my favorite thing: a synthesis. There’s tons of insight and wisdom there, and what made it so damn prescient is that I was beginning to work out a core commitment of my own about 24 hours prior. It’s natural for breakups to be antagonistic, but after the catharsis inherent is the posts posts I did on my birthday—explicitly to make them meaningful and definitive for me—I texted Beatrice the next morning. Here’s what I said, excerpted:
1. Yes, I had my own “party” yesterday. Today is a new day. Yesterday I wrote my posts on Patreon and FTA as sort of commitment.
2. That commitment is both to myself and to you. To me, it is to be true to myself, be strong, get my life back in order rationally. To you, and this is a promise, to never again lash out in unprovoked anger, to be friendly and yes, loving; to remember, reflect upon, and cherish all the innumerable good times which far outweigh the bad.
So…
Marc’s email, even more deeply, contemplates the core difference between Eastern and Western philosophy.
I’m a lay student of the Western and am in league with the Greeks.
But I have had way too many friends and interlocutors over a long time that find serendipitous curiosity or even scholarship in Eastern philosophy. Perhaps the most popularized idea is that of Yin and Yang…
Most people have zero idea what it means. They think, loosely, ‘sometimes I want to do this, sometimes that.’
It’s not what it is. It’s the parallel idea in Western philosophy that there is reason and logic….emotion and desire—the material and the spiritual—and your path is to self-flagilate in various ways to quiet the emotion and desire in favor of the former.
The Eastern way contemplates a deeper integration, where one side is just as inexorably part of us as is the other, it’s a deeper wholeness. There is no preferred part or the other part. Rather than be at internal war, enlightenment is found in some sort of internal counsel where you seek to integrate their interests, in pursuit of your own better mental health, understanding, and enlightenment.
If I had to reduce the difference between Western and Eastern modalities of thought into a nutshell, the Western seems to encourage higher levels of personal hubris; whereas, the Eastern seeks to help you deal with it and tame it.
…I have my own version of humility I have stated over and over here, over many years. It’s that’s I’m always wrong, so are you, so is everybody. We’re always wrong, all the time, every day.
The snuggle of life, therefore seems obvious.
You can never be right. But everyone can be a little bit less wrong today than they were yesterday.
That is a very attainable and worthy goal.